funny e-mail/joke thread

by **Goldfish** » Fri Jun 15, 2012 2:22 pm

If you have ever used an electric fence or know someone who has one you should read this.

The language used is a bit salty, but 'he tells it like it is' without cursing.

If you don't laugh hysterically at this, CHECK YOUR PULSE... this is funny... and true. This was sent by a retired dentist.

We have the standard 6 ft. fence in the backyard, and a few months ago, I heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in the entire city. To make sure this never happened to me, I got an electric fence and ran a single wire along the top of the fence.

Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made for 26 miles of fence. I then used an 8 ft. long ground rod, and drove it 7.5 ft. into the ground. The ground rod is the key, with the more you have in the ground, the better the fence works..

One day I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo Wal-Mart 6 hp big wheel push mower. The hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard. I knew for a fact that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around the wire and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way.

It seems as though I hadn't remembered to unplug it after all.

Now I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my right hand and the 1.7 giga-volt fence wire in the other hand. Keep in mind the charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside down cow on fire on the cover.

Time stood still.

The first thing I notice is my pecker trying to climb up the front side of my body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain. Every time that Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head. I was literally at one with the engine.

It seems as though the fence charger and the piece of shit lawnmower were fighting over who would control my electrical impulses.

Science says you cannot crap, pee, and vomit at the same time. I beg to differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3 different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you're all leaned back and BAM BAM BAM you just crap your pants 3 times. It seemed like there were minutes in between but in reality it was so close together. It was like exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy turning 8 grand.

At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I can't let go. I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric fences. But Dad always had those piece of shit chargers made by International or whoever that were like 9 volts and just kinda tickled.

This one I could not let go of. The 8 ft. long ground rod is now accepting signals from me through the permadamp Ark-La-Tex river bottom soil. At this point I'm thinking I'm going to have to just man up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas.

'Damn!,' I think, as I remember I just filled the tank!

Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it. Covered in poop, pee, and with my vomit on my chest, I think 'Oh God please die... Pleeeeaze die'. But nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy cam idle nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI motor waiting for the go command from its owner's right foot.

So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity, standing in my own backyard, begging God to kill me. God did not take me that day. He left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery my own stupidity had created.

I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire.

I woke up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas. It was later on in the day and I was sunburned.

There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and then another long skinny dead spot where the wire had laid while I was on the ground still holding on to it. I assume I finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire..

Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few things:

1 - Three of the fillings in my teeth have melted.

2 - I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek (not the left, just the right).

3 - Poop, pee, and vomit when all mixed together, do not smell as bad as you might think.

4 - My left eye will not open.

5 - My right eye will not close.

6 - The lawnmower runs like a sumbitch now. Seriously! I think our little session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because it was better than new after that.

7 - My nuts are still smaller than average yet they are almost a foot long.

8 - I can turn on the TV in the game room by farting while thinking of the number 4 (still don't understand this!!!).

That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for things. I appreciate the little things more, and now I always triple check to make sure the fence is unplugged before I mow.

The good news, is that if a burglar does try to come over the fence, I can clearly visualize what my security system will do to him, and THAT gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which also reminds me to triple check before I mow.

by **capt1972** » Fri Jun 15, 2012 2:28 pm

by **Westie25** » Fri Jun 15, 2012 2:32 pm

That's good stuff Goldie

by **Olly** » Fri Jun 15, 2012 2:33 pm

That would realllllllllly suck.

by **capt1972** » Mon Jun 18, 2012 5:29 pm

A black guy and a hispanic are going down the road in a car. Who's driving?

The cops.

by **duckkillerclyde** » Mon Jun 18, 2012 5:51 pm

Why do colored folk walk the way they do?

You would probably walk that way too if you had to dodge a coat hanger for 9 months.

by **capt1972** » Tue Jun 19, 2012 8:13 am

by **Goldfish** » Tue Jun 19, 2012 10:54 am

I've got more racist jokes than is good for me, but we'll leave those alone, lol. We'll just go with a just under racist joke (aka ghetto, which could be any race

)

When someone puts in for Child Support, the proper thing to do is to find out who the father is and see why he is not providing support. The following are all replies that Dallas women have written on Child Support Agency forms in the section for listing father's details. Or putting it another way... Who yo Daddy! These are genuine excerpts from the forms. Be sure to check out number 11.

1. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, child A was fathered by Jim Munson. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of child B, but I believe that he was conceived on the same night.

2. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if this helps.

3. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was conceived at a party at 3600 Grand Avenue where I had unprotected sex with a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I fainted. If you do manage to track down the father, can you send me his phone number? Thanks.

4. I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see if he's had it replaced.

5. I have never had sex with a man. I am still a Virginian. I am awaiting a letter from the Pope confirming that my son's conception was immaculate and that he is Christ risen again.

6. I cannot tell you the name of child A's dad as he informs me that to do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications for the economy. I am torn between doing right by you and right by the country. Please advise.

7. I do not know who the fat her of my child was as all blacks look the same to me.

8. Peter Smith is the father of child A. If you do catch up with him, can you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CDs? Child B who was also borned at the same time.... well I don't have a clue.

9. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Disney World; maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom.

10. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember for sure is Delia Smith did a program about eggs earlier in the evening. If I'd have stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party at 146 Miller Drive, mine might have remained unfertilized.

11. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby. After all when you eat a can of beans you can't be sure which one made you fart.

Yep, you guessed it right. You are all paying taxes to support these dim wits.

by **FlintRiverFowler** » Tue Jun 19, 2012 3:01 pm

I would like to share an experience with you, about drinking and driving.
As you well know, some of us have been known to have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from the odd social session over the years.

A couple of nights ago, I was out for a few drinks with some friends at the Marriott Hotel and had a few too many beers and some rather nice red wine.

Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before: I took a bus home.

Sure enough I passed a police road block but as it was a bus, they waved it past.

I arrived home safely without incident, which was a real surprise; as I have never driven a bus before and am not sure where I got it.

by **duckkillerclyde** » Tue Jun 19, 2012 3:06 pm

^^^lolololol

by **Goldfish** » Tue Jun 19, 2012 4:44 pm

So... Never thought I end up having to go to court in LA, but low and behold... Here's the story.

I'm gonna be honest, it's kind of embarrassing so I probably shouldn't say too much as the case is still pending.

I'll give you a hint though, it has to do with what appeared to be a really sad looking girl that I saw while driving and a really big misunderstanding that happened because of a really thick accent. It's literally impossible to be a nice person in LA.

So, you should know that I may not appear to be completely innocent on this one and there is some explaining to do. What happened was there was this poor looking girl walking down the street really late at night. I had been working late at a conference and when I saw this girl walking down the street she looked really sad and I, being the nice Minnesotan that I am, decided I would make sure she was ok. I mean, it's LA, late at night, and this girl is just walking down the street, so I pull over just to say

"Whats up" and ask her if she's ok and see if I could help. Well, rather than answer me in any way, she just walks up and gets in the car. Now, at this time, this didn't seem weird to me since the way I pictured this whole thing going down was I was just going to be a good sameritan and take her home like a good boy would do for a stranded girl.

So NEVER in my wildest dreams did I think that a prostitute was in my car and beyond that, I DEFINITELY did not think that she was a cop.

Again, Gonna be straight forward, the rest id kind of embarrassing, but I'll tell the story just so everyone else can learn from my misfortune.

I'll let a few more details out, but then you guys have to promise me you wont make fun of me because honestly, I was trying to be a good person.

So you know how I said she had a really thick accent? So I say hello and ask her whats going on and what she's doing out so late at night. She just replies with "nothing, just looking for a party". So I ask her if she knows where the party she's looking for is at because I'd be happy to take her there so she doesn't have to walk any more. She then told me that the party is anywhere and asked me if I wanted what I THOUGHT to be a "PBJ". Again, for the record, she had a VERY thick accent.

I'm down for PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY sandwiches 110 billion percent of the time. They are so delicious and I love putting chips in the middle to make them crunchy. I'm not a huge fan of chips, but that way I am.

Anyways, never one to say no to a "PBJ" I was like "Hell Yea!". In my defense, I had worked late and never had dinner, and I was just offered one of my favorite foods ever. In retrospect, should I have wondered why she didn't tell me where her party was? Yes. Should I have thought twice about figuring out where we were going to get a PBJ from when I'm sitting in a car late at night with a complete stranger? YES. But what happens next is almost too embarrassing to tell, obviously I hadn't done anything criminal at this point and maybe your imagination can take it from here but yeah...

I'm going to be honest, I almost can't type this but here goes...

I run though some quick calculations and figure that if this girl has some secret PBJ plan that it probably won't take that long or cost that much and I can probably get her home without it being too much of a hastle but while I'm thinking she tells me it will be $50. Now, I'm not stupid, there is no way I'm going to just pay $50 for a sandwich no matter how good it is and right now I'm really getting skeptical that she's of sound mind.

So around this time I'm like wait, this is LA, what if she knows of some incredible place that has fantastic food... I'd at least like to hear the story of a $50 PBJ. Being COMPLETELY skeptical of the $50 sandwich but wanting to play along because she was being so nice and flirtatious I said "Where can we go at this time of night for something like that?"

You and I know how crazy that sounds knowing the context of this thread, but you have to understand how completely logical it was for me to ask that question at that time. Anyways she giggles a bit and looks at me and says something like "Well we can go to my place and do it there." In my head I'm like, wait... A house or apartment or something? So now I'm trying to back track in my head and figure out where my logic went wrong but as I'm scrambling to figure this out I also am trying to sort out how a sandwich can cost so much money so I say (and no making fun of me) "$50 seems like a lot, I could see $20 at the MOST, but I'm used to paying like $3. What makes it so special that it's worth $50?"

She's hurt by that question, I can tell, but I have no idea why. She says "Look, my place is around the corner, I can take care of you for $10." So all of a sudden we're in the price range I was thinking for a sandwich, it's a bit on the high end sure, but again, it's late and I'm hungry. I'm thinking now that she's not needing a ride home but that she was probably ON her way home and is maybe a little bit poorer and is trying to be entrepreneurial and provide a service to someone who is looking to consume. So the next part is the really bad part.

So you know how all of this built up... I thought this girl was trying to be smart with what she had and turn a small profit off a service that I clearly wanted which I have no problem with. So I say, "$10 is fine but it literally better be the best one of my life." She immediately says "Oh, it will. Give me the $10 first." And while that did make me feel uncomfortable since I wasn't in a place of business, I just took out a $10 and gave it to her. Within SECONDS there were cops everywhere and I was in cuffs totally confused as all get out as to what happened. Which brings us to the moral of the story...

Read the SECOND word of ever paragraph :mrgreen:

by **duckkillerclyde** » Tue Jun 19, 2012 5:17 pm

^^Got me.

I think you have to watch a lot of youtube to get it.

I was starting to think WTF am I reading this crap for it's too long and poorly written.

by **FlintRiverFowler** » Tue Jun 19, 2012 5:19 pm

you got me you butthole!

by **FlintRiverFowler** » Wed Jun 20, 2012 5:22 am

I got my tax return returned.

I guess it was because of my response to the line, which read: "List All Dependents"

... So, I replied:

12 million illegal immigrants
3 million crack heads
42 million unemployable people on food stamps
2 million people in over 243 prisons and
535 fools in the U.S. House and Senate.

Apparently, this was NOT acceptable?

So, I sent it back with a question "Did I forget someone?"

by **Olly** » Wed Jun 20, 2012 5:29 am

FlintRiverFowler wrote:I got my tax return returned.

I guess it was because of my response to the line, which read: "List All Dependents"

... So, I replied:

12 million illegal immigrants
3 million crack heads
42 million unemployable people on food stamps
2 million people in over 243 prisons and
535 fools in the U.S. House and Senate.

Apparently, this was NOT acceptable?

So, I sent it back with a question "Did I forget someone?"

Always loved this one, I bet someones done it too.

Sent from your honey hole.

by **Goldfish** » Wed Jun 20, 2012 10:17 am

duckkillerclyde wrote:^^Got me.
I think you have to watch a lot of youtube to get it.
I was starting to think WTF am I reading this crap for it's too long and poorly written.

FlintRiverFowler wrote:you got me you butthole!

Yea, it was a pain to type out too, lol. I had a picture of it to go off from. It's from some failbook site and the guy posted it all on facebook broken up like that, then told everyone to read the 2nd word in each post.

My coworker told this one today:

I was sitting in the livingroom yesterday holding a fly swatter and my wife came in and asks "What are you doing with that?"

"I'm killing the flies. I've gotten 4 so far. 3 males and 1 female."

"Now how in the world do you know which are female and which are male?"

"It's simple. 3 landed on the beer can and 1 landed on the telephone"

by **FlintRiverFowler** » Thu Jun 21, 2012 6:44 am

A guy goes in for a job interview at the local USPS hub. The postmaster makes small talk with him for a bit, before getting into the interview process. He politely asks the interviewee if he would like a cup of coffee, to which the man replies, "no thank you, i never got a taste for the stuff."

Picking up the man's resume and reviewing it briefly, the postmaster notices that the man is a veteran. "I see your a veteran, that definatley helps towards points for hiring you. May I ask if you served overseas."

"Yes. I served two tours in Iraq", the man answers.

"Oh, wow! Well, thank you for your service. If you don't mind me asking, did you get hurt or anything over there."

The soldier gets a bit flushed, and shifts in his chair, "yes sir, I was shot."

"Oh my god. I would never have guessed, you don't look like you have a scratch on you. Where'd they get you", asks the postmaster.

"Well, frankly sir...they shot me in the scrotum. I lost both of my testicles."

The postmaster shifts back, and gasps, "I'm...uh... I'm sorry, son".

The soldier nods.

"Well, I've heard enough. Anybody willing to risk their life for us is good enough in my book."

"Great! When should I start?"

"First thing. We open at 6 am everyday. So why don't you just come in at 8 tomorrow".

"Ok, sounds great. But can I ask, what happens between 6 and 8? Should I come in at 6?

"That's OK, for the first two hours we just sit around drinking coffee and scratching our nuts"

by **FlintRiverFowler** » Thu Jun 21, 2012 3:29 pm

The Dead Parrot
At dawn the telephone rings, "Hello, Senor Rod? This is Ernesto, the
caretaker at your country house."
"Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"
"Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor Rod, that your parrot, he is dead.
"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?"
"Si, Senor, that's the one."
"Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?
"From eating the rotten meat, Senor Rod."
"Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?"
"Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead horse."
"Dead horse? What dead horse?"
"The thoroughbred, Senor Rod."
"My prize thoroughbred is dead?"
"Yes, Senor Rod, he died from all that work pulling the water cart."
"Are you insane? What water cart?"
"The one we used to put out the fire, Senor."
"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"
"The one at your house, Senor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire."
"What the heck? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle?!"
"Yes, Senor Rod."
"But there's electricity at the house! What was the candle for?"
"For the funeral, Senor Rod."
"WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL??!!"
"Your wife's, Senor Rod. She showed up very late one night and I thought she was a thief, so
I shot her with your new Kreighoff Limited Edition Custom Gold Engraved Trap Special with
the custom-made Wenig Exhibition Grade Stock. "
SILENCE...........
LONG SILENCE.........
VERY LONG SILENCE..............
"Ernesto, if you scratched that shotgun, you're in deep sh*t."

by **Goldfish** » Thu Jun 21, 2012 3:55 pm

If we are telling parrot jokes:

A family's pet cat died and the daughter was taking it kind of hard. The mother decided to replace the pet and went to the pet store.

At the pet store there was a parrot sitting on the counter with a sign that read "free to good home".

"Why is this parrot free?" asked the wife.

"The parrot used to be at a brothel that got shut down. It has learned some rather rude words working there" says the shop keeper.

"Squaaaaaak, your a skank" says the parrot.

The wife thinks for a moment, and asks "can it learn other words?"

"Oh certainly, parrots are very intelligent animals and learn and remember things very well."

"Ok, it can't be that bad while we teach it some manners." So the wife takes it home.

Once she gets home, she shows the daughter their new pet.

"Squaaak, yous a hoe" says the parrot.

"What did it just say?!" says the daughter.

"We have to teach it some new words dear" says mom.

Just then the doorbell rings. Mom answers it and it's her parents stopping by to say hi. She decides to show them their new pet.

"Squaaaak, Hi bitch"

"Oh my" says grandma.

"Squaaaak, Pay up mutherf***er"

"Well, you've got some work cut out for you" says grandpa.

The door opens up as the father gets home from work.

"Come here dear" says mom.

Dad walks into the room to see the new pet.

"Squaaak, Hi Keith"

by **duckkillerclyde** » Thu Jun 21, 2012 3:59 pm

lolololololololololololol

OOPS!

by **FlintRiverFowler** » Fri Jun 22, 2012 5:17 am

Hey olly, just a thought.

Lets move the joke thread to DD so dirty jokes can be told and allow cursing.

by **Olly** » Fri Jun 22, 2012 6:52 am

FlintRiverFowler wrote:Hey olly, just a thought.

Lets move the joke thread to DD so dirty jokes can be told and allow cursing.

Just start a dirty joke thread in here.

Sent from your honey hole.

by **FlintRiverFowler** » Fri Jun 22, 2012 6:55 am

Too much trouble and confusion for me :lol: