Crazy things old people say

[quacknstack6]

Boy use that thing on your shoulders for more than a hat rack.
Watched my dad get hit in the head by the arm of a clay pigeon thrower. He sprayed WD40 on the trigger spring and it released, after he knew what happened he told me. "If I was any less of a man I would have been knocked the fuck out." From that day I knew if ever come the time to put the ol man down I would be forced to eat plenty of wheaties that morning.

"Boy you're like a damn farm mule, I need a 2x4 to get your attention."

I'm laughing hysterically picturing this happening.

I didnt laugh in his face but I did about 30 minutes later. He had a parasophogial (sp?) hernia when I was younger. He was checked into the hospital and underwent a 4 hour surgery. When he came too he put his clothes on and was going to walk out the door. Doc asked him what he thought he was doing. Dad responded with "Unlike like you overpaid doctors and city folk, I have shit to do today. So if you dont mind I will be on my way." The doc just stood there shocked.

Another saying he had was, " boy you're like a bull in a china shop, what you dont break you shit on."
"You're about as useless as tits on a boar hog."
"Quit standing there with your teeth in your head and get to work."
" You could fuck up a wet dream"

[Goldfish]

Know any good pollock jokes?

Albert Jaroslaw, a polish man, was having trouble seeing so he went to the optometrist. She asked him to look at the eye chart which read:
CZRNDK
THSPA
ROK
She then asked Albert "can you read the chart"

"Read it? I know the guy!"

Why'd the fish cross the road?

Why?

sent from a phancy fone

[assateague]

That's my pollock joke.

[quacknstack6]

That's my pollock joke.

Prove your ownership!

[assateague]

That's my pollock joke ™

[rebelp74]

Trade Marked!

[quacknstack6]

That's my pollock joke ™

Much better, I know you have some sayings that have been handed down. Surely to God I cant be the only one who has heard a slew of retarded remarks that make you scratch your head.

[assateague]

I can't think of any right off. But I am definitely a hander-downer. My kids may be scarred for life.

[bill herian]

Not Polish, but a joke.

Timmy loved model trains, so for his birthday his parents bought him a very nice train set. He eagerly set it up in the living room and before long the train was making it's way around the track he laid out in the living room. When the train arrived back at the station, Timmy, being the conductor, yelled "Alright people, get your asses off this godamn train! Hurry up, move it! We've got a schedule to keep so round up your shit and find the door!" Timmy's mother heard this from the kitchen and scolded Timmy, telling him to go to his room and think about what he said, and how people would feel about him as a conductor if that's how he was going to behave. Afterwhile Timmy came back downstairs and found his model train in the station. He politley said, "Ladies and gentlemen, thank you for riding with us today, if you would please gather your things, the porters will help you find the exit. And, if you're pissed about the hour delay, talk to the bitch in the kitchen!"

[assateague]

[Flightstopper]

[bill herian]

The farmer was having a bit of a problem. His rooster was fucking all the other animals. He'd go out to milk in the morning, and the rooster would be making a ruckus in the milking parlor, next the hogs would be heard squealing, afterwhile one of the barn cats would come blazing across the barnyard with the rooster in tow. It was becomming quite a disturbance.

So the farmer approached the rooster after one of his conquests and told him "You know, if you don't cut this out you're going fuck yourself to death."

The rooster didn't seem interested, and in fact made his way over to the sheep pen shortly after.

A week or so later the farmer was coming out for evening chores. He looked over to the pasture and what did he see? The rooster lying there, motionless, in the middle of the empty pasture. He walked up to it and nudged it with his boot. When he realized the rooster was dead, a smile broke his lips and he said, "You dumb rooster, I told you what would happen but you didn't want to listen.

He was just about to turn and go back to his chores when he saw the rooster open his eye just slightly.

The farmer got down on his knees to get a better look, when he did the rooster pointed his wing over the farmer's shoulder and whispered, "Shhh, buzzards."

[flight control]

[MuddyWaterWarlock]

Lets see here. a few of mine

You're lower than a snakes belly in a wagon wheel rut
Asshole deep to a tall indian
That will sure suck eggs if it got loose in the henhouse
Watch ya doin? As many as I can and the easy ones twice
How ya doin? Mostly without and usually by hand
Fuck them if they can't take a joke
Joke em if they can't take a fuckin
Can't be a girl all your life
She'd work in a pinch

[Woody]

The farmer was having a bit of a problem. His rooster was fucking all the other animals. He'd go out to milk in the morning, and the rooster would be making a ruckus in the milking parlor, next the hogs would be heard squealing, afterwhile one of the barn cats would come blazing across the barnyard with the rooster in tow. It was becomming quite a disturbance.

So the farmer approached the rooster after one of his conquests and told him "You know, if you don't cut this out you're going fuck yourself to death."

The rooster didn't seem interested, and in fact made his way over to the sheep pen shortly after.

A week or so later the farmer was coming out for evening chores. He looked over to the pasture and what did he see? The rooster lying there, motionless, in the middle of the empty pasture. He walked up to it and nudged it with his boot. When he realized the rooster was dead, a smile broke his lips and he said, "You dumb rooster, I told you what would happen but you didn't want to listen.

He was just about to turn and go back to his chores when he saw the rooster open his eye just slightly.

The farmer got down on his knees to get a better look, when he did the rooster pointed his wing over the farmer's shoulder and whispered, "Shhh, buzzards."

[Woody]

Not Polish, but a joke.

Timmy loved model trains, so for his birthday his parents bought him a very nice train set. He eagerly set it up in the living room and before long the train was making it's way around the track he laid out in the living room. When the train arrived back at the station, Timmy, being the conductor, yelled "Alright people, get your asses off this godamn train! Hurry up, move it! We've got a schedule to keep so round up your shit and find the door!" Timmy's mother heard this from the kitchen and scolded Timmy, telling him to go to his room and think about what he said, and how people would feel about him as a conductor if that's how he was going to behave. Afterwhile Timmy came back downstairs and found his model train in the station. He politley said, "Ladies and gentlemen, thank you for riding with us today, if you would please gather your things, the porters will help you find the exit. And, if you're pissed about the hour delay, talk to the bitch in the kitchen!"

That is funny!

[assateague]

It's colder than a well digger's ass.

[GadwallGetter530]

Straighter then a Grizzlies dick.

[QH's Paw]

Crookeder'n a dawgs back leg.

Rainin', like a cow pissin' on a flat rock.

Colder'n a witches tit in a brass bra.

[DeadEye_Dan]

Dumber than a bag of hammers

So dumb you couldn't pour piss out of a boot with directions on the bottom

[bill herian]

[Goldfish]

Not from my grandpa, but:

Gayer than a bag of dicks.

[quacknstack6]

With your luck it could be raining pussy and you would catch the only dick.

[banknote]

I wouldn't kick her outta bed for eating crackers.

[Westie25]

I wouldn't kick her outta bed for eating crackers.

Unless she wanted to fuck in the floor.

[Tiler_J]

My grandmother use to say, "That baby is as ugly as a mud fence!" I don't think she really liked kids.

[3legged_lab]

I always tell old people they senile and deaf, they just say "huh?".

[BrewGUN]

My grandmother use to say, "That baby is as ugly as a mud fence!" I don't think she really liked kids.

Aren't you glad she at least had a couple!

[Tiler_J]

My grandmother use to say, "That baby is as ugly as a mud fence!" I don't think she really liked kids.

Aren't you glad she at least had a couple!

Glad she had my Dad, my Uncle not so much.

[AKPirate]

She is so ugly that she has to sneak up on a glass of water to get a drink